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I know that I’ve not been so great about posting lately, and I truly apologize for that. It’s hard for me to talk about but I’ll do my best.

I’ve always struggled with depression. It’s been the longest on again off again relationship EVER. The same can be said about some pretty serious anxiety. It’s very tough to put into words how hard these things are to deal with, much less to talk about them. Over the years I’ve developed my own coping techniques. I’ve learned to withdraw (not healthy), deep breathing and relaxation (healthy), a variety of other good and bad things, some I’m proud of, some I’m not.

When I got home from visiting my mom recently, those coping mechanisms seemed to stop working, and the anxiety has gotten worse. I feel a bit like a stranger in my own life. Every second is a struggle, every moment is spent focusing on putting one foot ahead of the other. Anxiety is insipid… every niggling little worry blows up into a full fledged panic situation, despite all logic and reason. The heart races and pounds, it becomes hard to breathe, and for me at least, I become certain I will die.

It’s hard to explain to people that haven’t ever experienced these things how debilitating the feelings of hopelessness depression can bring about. The feeling that you have no worth or value in life, and aren’t contributing anything. It might make no sense, the sensible part of the brain may know different, but the demons shout it down, and the sensible part becomes smaller and smaller.

A few weeks ago, totally separate from this, I started seeing a therapist for dealing with the body and brain stuff for my fibro. Tuesday, I went and saw my doctor and they doubled my antidepressant. They also gave me a script for some Xanax to get me over the hump. I see my therapist on Monday. Hopefully all this will start helping soon.

I realize my posting is getting a little erratic. It seems unfair that my shortcomings should affect my readers, and for that, I apologize. As soon as I can get you something new and delicious, I will. Even if it is just one new recipe a week, I will start posting as soon as I possibly can.

Thank you for being so patient.

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